Never reject something merely on the basis you don’t understand it

Clearing out the tangled webs of the past..

My ‘Spring cleaning’ is in motion well before Spring time!

Over the past few weeks I have realised the extent to which I WAS a hoarder! (Hoarder: a person who accumulates things from the past – sometimes for future use/sometimes not). Over the years, I had accumulated a heap of outdated clothes, toys, school notes, files etc etc. I held onto concert ticket stubs & invitations, holiday brochures, birthday cards & anything & everything that was ‘special’ to me … These were all stored away & ultimately ended up in my grandmother’s garage. My ‘holding onto stuff’ reached ridiculous levels – for example: I carried around a ‘magazine collection’ (that was well into the 100′s) to every house move for over 10 years. I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit it, but I had even collected a ‘box of memories’ for each ‘boyfriend era’.

I’ve spent the past (confronting) month clearing out my grandmother’s house & garage (as she has now gone into full time aged care). There has been an unexpected stirring up of emotions that comes with such a daunting task… & most importantly the realisation of how symbolic ‘clutter’ is.

Clutter is a manifestation of a) holding onto the past & b) fear of what might happen in the future. The healthy option: to let go of it. Why? I knew it would be a way to live more mindfully & in the present. Very Zen!

Most of my ‘hoarding’ was about holding onto the past. I had some form of emotional attachment to objects that I saw as significant. If I was holding onto this past (& in some cases fearing the future) … how could I really live fully in the now? When I opened most of these boxes I knew I wanted (& was ready) to let it go.

It’s quite ironic that this period of ‘decluttering’ also co-incided with a ‘catch-up’ with someone significant from my past. It was perfect timing (a massive wake up call), bringing to my awareness my ‘emotional hoarding’. The realisation that I had been guilty of ‘holding on’ to a few ‘significant people’ for all the wrong reasons. Although not in a romantic sense, I felt compelled to keep them ‘emotionally’ close or connected as friends.

With this ‘decluttering’ epiphany, I had never felt so liberated. In that instant, I started to release my mind of attachments & fears. By having this physical & emotional clutter even existing (regardless of it being in storage – i.e. ‘out of sight & mind’), it wasn’t allowing me to live fully in the present. I hadn’t realised I was actually ‘holding onto anything’. As I threw out some of the ‘tangible’ past from the garage I felt a HUGE release. It was inevitable that my ‘emotional hoarding’ was next in line to be tossed.

Ahhhhhh… I’m feeling decluttered!

Cool story

FOMO – (fear of missing out)

My name is Donna & I’m recovering from FOMO – or otherwise known as ‘fear of missing out’..

Looking back, I think my FOMO began a few years ago. It really crept up on me. My first symptom was an empty feeling when I noticed loving couples touching hands over dinner, belly laughing or looking adoringly into each other’s eyes. I would find myself thinking ‘What about me…? Why cant I have that too’.

I hold Facebook partly responsible for bringing on my next FOMO stage…. Friends started downloading happy snaps every time their new families shared special moments. My growing pangs of emptiness when I looked at the smiles on their childrens faces (or holding their little babies), whether they were celebrating a birthday, Christmas day, Easter, trips away or even just having fun at home, made me realise that my FOMO had progressed. How was I going to stop that voice from getting louder!? ‘What about me…? Why cant I have that too’.

In more recent times, my FOMO came to a head! This last phase was the final pang of all pangs, as I found myself being bombarded with another VOID (ie. what I was lacking) .. & it was popping up everywhere. I would walk out for my morning coffee & I would be confronted in the street, down the beach, around the lake, on every corner, even hanging out at most trees…EVERYWHERE!!…. DOGGY LOVE…. ‘What about me…? Why cant I have that too’.

Then I diagnosed it: FOMO
I had been (subconsciously) looking at these forms of unconditional love as being a VOID to fill. I had adopted the negative thought that I was ‘missing out’ on something special.
WOW… as I mentioned before, FOMO had really crept up on me! Talk about practicing what you preach Donna!

I am fortunate to be in a position to know instantly what the guaranteed cure for FOMO is: Practicing self-love. Make a commitment to SMASH those ‘fear of missing out’ thoughts (or else you run the risk of that negativity turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy). Ask yourself the question, ‘Do you actually love yourself?’

To rid this infliction, stop looking outside of yourself for unconditional love (to fill the void), start loving yourself & life. And (yes, I am one to know) sometimes that’s much easier said than done, so then you must make it your mission to discover new ways!

‘I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.’ Arthur Rubinstein

‘Automatically’ grateful!

Euphoria: ‘a mental & emotional state defined as a profound sense of well-being. Technically, euphoria is an affect, but the term is often colloquially used to define emotion as an intense state of transcendent happiness combined with an overwhelming sense of contentment.’ (Wikipedia)

I’ve been searching for an explanation re: my ‘overwhelming sense of contentment’. Nothing in my world has ‘externally’ changed. The man of my dreams didn’t appear; I didn’t win the lottery or begin writing my ‘best-seller’; there haven’t been any medical breakthroughs regarding the reversal of dementia or any celebratory announcements from anyone dear to my heart.

I can, however,  highlight a couple of negative events in recent weeks – i) a few dear friends are experiencing ‘sad & difficult’ relationship break-ups &  ii) I was subject to a few distorted perceptions (in a public forum) all in relation to being the ‘single’ ex girlfriend.

In fact, it’s probably these same events that have unintentionally provided insight into what lessons I have learnt over the years. Internally something has changed this week –  my level of gratitude. I am truly grateful that my headspace automatically takes me to a place of empowerment; a place of positives. It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen.

In contrast, I have observed the negative experiences of others &  can only imagine the thoughts that are limiting them. Without going into personal details, the distorted realities of others have been their real true enemies. Feelings of helplessness occur when we hold someone else responsible for the way we are feeling.  I’m not suggesting that they have haven’t endured negative experiences. I’m also not suggesting that they ignore these challenges; but I do want to point out that their energy focusing on helplessness will not move them forward…. It will ultimately hold them back. Often, attachments to outdated beliefs are responsible for creating problems – not other people. Negative thoughts & feelings of insecurity, fear & anxiety (over an ‘anticipated or perceived’ loss) can be held onto for as long as we decide. Our choice!

Believe it or not, choosing what makes you happy will simplify your life. Will you always make good choices? No, you’re human. Will you always know if you’ve made a bad one? Yes.  When we start to choose thoughts that serve us, eventually it will become second nature (it will become automatic). Sometimes only when we look at the past, do we realise how far we have come. For me, I’m grateful for where I am……. (& where I’m not!) ……. I praise myself.  I’ve come a long, long way baby!

Your future’s right in front of you.

‎They say ‘an optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.’ (Bill Vaughn)…. To be brutally honest, I did both!

In the past few days I have reflected on what didn’t go according to plan in 2010 on a personal level. Yes, even life coaches can be unprepared or make ‘poor judgement’ calls. A new year is the perfect excuse to spend time with ‘hindsight’. After assessing the ‘personal lows’ (or as I like to call them ‘lessons’) of the year before, I get excited about another chance of getting it right!

In the first 2 weeks of a new year I tend to evaluate what DIDN’T work in the year gone by…. & this provides the perfect foundation for my goal setting for the fresh year ahead!

A couple of personal lessons I’m taking from 2010:

• my grandmothers dementia
  • The affect on the family (& the family dynamics) took it’s toll.  Although no one can change the direction of her illness, management on so many personal levels surrounding the ‘loss’ of the matriach in my family needs focusing on in 2011
• not trusting my instinct
  • I returned briefly to a ‘sparkless’ relationship.  In hindsight, I doubted myself & thought that it was ‘me’ that needed fixing/healing etc….in order for the connection to evolve. At the end of the day, regardless of how much I ‘wanted’ the vibe to be different, I always knew the chemistry just wasn’t there!  I am on a mission to make 2011 the year of trusting myself in every way.

By looking at where you’ve been you can change where you’re going. What you did last year will bear fruit in what you do and who you are this year. We are all ‘works in progress’. To be honest, every new season, new moon, new day & new moment is a chance to change our destiny.  Your future is ahead of you & you can start again anytime you want.

Is it time to ignite your enthusiasm & energy for a fresh start!?

Happy New Year / Happy New Start!

What is ‘transformational’ coaching?

Remember the frog that turned into a prince? Well listen up. I’ve put my own spin on this fairy tale!

The story goes something like this – the damsel in distress (usually a beautiful young woman) is placed in a dire predicament & requires a hero to dash to her rescue. She embodies helplessness; naïvety & a need for others (mostly men) to rescue her.  She can be heard saying things like…’I don’t know how to change my ‘predicament’ or ‘I don’t have the time to work out how to’ or ‘I don’t have the energy’…etc etc ‘.  This is where ‘transformational coaching’ steps in! This outdated stereotype just ain’t serving this damsel.

New beliefs are needed pronto. The coach wants to scream out, ‘ENOUGH! Stop focusing on the 1,000 reasons why you can’t be the one to help yourself; focus on (at least) one reason why you can come to your own rescue.’

Arnold Schwarzenegger once said that ‘Learned helplessness is the giving-up reaction, the quitting response that follows from the belief that whatever you do doesn’t matter’. So the damsels of the world (& dames too) are easy to point out.  They are waiting for their ‘break’ or an ‘instant magic pill’ to fall in their lap. If some of us ‘learn’ to be helpless, we all have the ability to ‘unlearn’ this sabotage technique. Transformational Coaching empowers the damsel to adopt a new belief system…one that reclaims ownership & control of where they wish to be.

We can ALL choose our own adventure.

Transformation.

Do you want more out of life?

You have one life as YOU. This life.

You have the choice – Exist or Create. It’s completely up to you (& no one else) to make that choice!

She’s Just Not That Into You…

 

Is it ok to tell a white lie when rejecting a ‘once potential’ suitor?

Females are often labelled as ‘game players’ &  ’having baggage’ when it comes to dating. (please note: more than what men are!)   This became an issue recently when a friend brought up the moral dilemma of ‘white lies’ & rejection.

Being attractive & easy to talk to can be a lethal combination for dating.   However, a double edged sword can be added when empathy is also involved (which is often a female accessory). When ending a relationship (or deciding not to date someone) females often tell a ‘white lie’ out of empathy .  Unfortunately, these ‘excuses’ have the potential to be interpreted (to the recipient) as game playing, having baggage or being dramatic.

When my friend cancelled a first date (insert white lie) she received the following attack,   ’I'd heard about your dramas, baggage & games’. Instead of the recipient owning his feelings, he wanted her to be responsible. His ungraceful reaction merely cemented her decision that he was not a potential suitor. And, ironically, his bitterness providing a warning bell that he may (in fact) harbour unresolved baggage of his own.  A quality & respectful trait  for anyone to possess is being accountable for their own feelings… i.e. someone who doesnt blame or attack another.

You see, the honest reason for her rejection was the discovery that she wasn’t attracted to him. My friend was taught that sometimes a white lie is a ‘graceful’ rejection.  She never wanted to seem heartless, rude, uncaring, or even unkind. She was taught that a reason you must never give anyone is to tell him that you simply don’t like them, or don’t find them attractive. If you told anyone that, it would be a harsh blow not only to their ego, but their feelings as well.  When it comes to letting a person down, sometimes being completely straightforward can hurt the most. And in these cases, a white lie may make the other person feel better &  make life much easier. She told herself that white lies (sometimes giving the impression of baggage, drama & games) will minimize the other person’s pain.  However, the more rejection that she dished out the greater her ‘game playing/drama queen’ reputation grew…. If she was honest about the rejection, then she put herself at risk of being labelled a ‘pretentious bitch’.

More often than not,  when a guy discovers that he isn’t attracted (or losing attraction) towards his ‘date’  then he tends to drift away (e.g. he stops calling). This moral dilemma poses a few questions: Why doesn’t this (equally not straighforward)  approach gain them the reputation as being  ’game players’ or having baggage etc?  Should women consider a new rejection plan by ditching the ‘white lies’  &  adopt a more straightforward (sometimes hurtful) approach?

Deal or No Deal?

Knowing what you DONT want is just as important as knowing what you DO want.

Do you have clarity on what you want & don’t want from/with people? Do you give people too many chances? When is enough enough? When is one chance enough – ie. a deal breaker?

A critical key to happiness & development in life is to have & to honor your personal boundaries. Simply said, a boundary is an imaginary line over which people, problems, & life may not cross, because you’ve said so.  It’s our job to recognise when others overstep our boundaries. You will find that as you extend your boundaries, you have fewer problems, less stress, & more space. We need to plan ahead for actions that we will take when our boundaries become violated. Some may in fact be ‘deal breakers.’

What are your ‘deal breakers’?  The Urban Dictionary defines a deal breaker as ‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook & ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess.’ Everyone has their own personal collection.  Some people waiver on them or let them slide. Most of my deal breakers come from experience.  Here is an example of a personal ‘dating deal breaker’ : I was once (even twice) told from a couple of long term ‘best friends’ of the guy I was dating that his character was questionable (& to be careful). At the time, I made excuses for the remarks, but I learnt the hard way down the track. Thus, this has now become a ‘dating deal breaker’ (if the close friends  of my ‘date’ WARN me in anyway- I am out of there!) Friendships, dating, long term partners, working relationships, share households etc etc – are all subject to deal breakers & violated boundaries.

I have been guilty of not honoring my own deal breakers in the past… & NOTE: they have ALWAYS come back to bite me on the bum. Most boundaries should be communicated clearly…. yet there are also the ones that are ‘unspoken universal law’  (e.g. thou shalt not ‘cheat’, ‘lie’ or ‘steal’ etc). Recently I have come up against a deal breaker…..& (in respect not to ‘out’ him or her) I have remained silent on the matter (yet taken action). I merely view it as an opportunity to move forward with the lesson as my own (i.e. a reminder of what I DONT want).  I believe that creating boundaries is not about convincing someone else to behave in a way that I THINK THEY SHOULD. It is about ME behaving the way I want my life to go.

It’s important to respect yourself & to be respected.  Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.  It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves – to protect ourselves when it’s necessary.  We have the right & the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. Boundaries define who we are. They establish ‘what is me’  & ‘what isn’t me.’

How many of us have never known the ‘rules’ of our personal well-being, & how NOT to allow life and others to intrude, steal or damage our personal power? How many of us have never known how to respect other people’s boundaries & simply thought we were ‘doing the right thing’?

By having a healthy, functioning boundary we know when to open the door to good & when to close the door to bad.

Questions to ask yourself:

• What are the boundaries/deal breakers that are important for you to establish right now?
• Who is currently violating these?
• What will be the most effective action you can take to establish the boundary with this person? When will you take it?
• Do you need support with developing your own strong personal boundaries?

‘In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current.’ ~ Thomas Jefferson