‘If you cant make it, fake it….’

The Power of Positive Thinking…

I came across the saying ‘if you cant make it, fake it’ recently… What does this mean exactly?

Many psychologists, leaders (religious, spiritual, political), life coaches & self help educators preach the benefits & promote the practice of a positive mental attitude.  Mahatma Gandhi was quoted as saying ‘A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks about he becomes.’ Is faking positivity delusional & dangerous – even giving rise to the question of inhibiting self development?  There has been much debate regarding the relationships between positive thinking & reality & the costs of such beliefs that prove to be wrong.  There has been alot of research devoted to placebo effects, optimism & self fulfilling prophecies – all leading to evidence of a positive mental attitude being an important tool in achieving self development, happiness & goal attainment.  

My point is that if you tell yourself something time & time again, then sometimes we start to believe it. Therefore, if you cant make it, then fake it.  If the possible outcome will not put you in any danger, however can only lead to personal growth, then I promote faking it!! Many people have achieved this through self affirmations – to dispel negative thoughts about themselves.  It’s the same gig…. In the past 3 – 4 months I have accomplished breaking down 2 mindsets that were clearly not serving me well.  The first was that ‘I was a smoker & finding it very difficult to quit’… I changed this mantra to ‘I am a non smoker & it’s very easy to quit’… I faked this thought for a very long while & then one day it became a real belief!!  The second mindset was a relationship breakdown & feeling as though I was treated badly – this mindset only made me feel sad & confused. Thus, I started to ‘fake it’… My new thoughts associated to that situation became ‘I no longer wanted that relationship & I completely understand why it ended.’ In no time at all I had closure on that relationship. There was no longer sadness or confusion, but genuine smiles!

Some call it manifestation or self fulfilling prophecy – and other people may label it as false hope or optimistic bias… However if you are merely replacing negative thoughts with a realistic positive thought that serves us better…. then I cant fault faking it to begin with.

Basically, a successful mental attitude that includes positivity can translate into new perceptions of a persons perceived reality.

Buddha ~ ‘All that we are is the result of what we have thought’

Thanksgiving – giving thanks!

I’m unsure whether ‘Thanksgiving Day’ originated in America, however I’m disappointed that Australians haven’t embraced the concept.

I remember the exact moment when I read the saying ‘Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want’. It was actually on the back of a toilet door in a small surf town called Jan Juc approximately 10 years ago. At the time I didn’t realise how profound this statement would be. 

I have spent so many years thinking about the future and mapping out how I wanted my life to turn out, I would dream of so many wonderful moments that could possibly lay ahead for me. I was forever wondering how my life would turn out and what goals I could achieve. You may be thinking ‘there is nothing wrong with this’ – and there isn’t! However I didn’t spend much time appreciating the ‘now’ in my life. I really didn’t focus much on how wonderful my life was in that present moment. If my mind was forever wandering into the future, imagining what the endless possibilities could be, then it was natural that I would also often worry about the unforseen – the catalyst for fear (which I like to now call ‘False Evidence Appearing Real’).  

The idea of thanksgiving (to me) is being grateful for the love and the support of people and situations that have played a big role in shaping who we are today! Today. Today. When we feel gratitude and are reminded of such love & support, it not only provides us happiness of what we have – but attracts more like feelings to us.  If we are always wanting things (whether its love, support or something else we may think will make us happy) then we only bring that like feeling of always ‘wanting’ to us. My advice – feel it now, be grateful and happy now.  To focus only on the future, without being happy in the moment, will never bring us fulfillment. We will always be chasing it – like a mythical unicorn….!

An effective tool for coaching

Creation vs Victimization

 

 

‘Choosing what you want to do, and when to do it, is an act of creation.’

Peter McWilliams

 

People seek out coaching to bring about change in their lives.   Sometimes they already have a clear picture on a goal they want to achieve.  Through effective listening and powerful questioning, a coach may discover negative self talk within the client that is restricting them from moving forward. As a coach, we will help the client recognise such self limiting beliefs

 

There are two opposing belief systems that can be powerful tools in dealing with individuals – ‘creation’ vs ‘victimization’.   The mental shift from being a ‘victim of life’ to recognising the benefits of ‘being the creator’ of their lives will be extremely rewarding for our client.  The creator views life from a totally different angle than the victim, one that’s diametrically opposed to the victim’s view.   Whichever state of mind we adopt has a significant impact on how we achieve tasks in life.

 

Some people get lost in the chaos of every day life.  We can become so busy and full of distractions.  We think about tomorrow before it is here instead of being an active creative participant in the now. When we are so preoccupied we become anxious and feel helpless.  Often this can result in life influencing us and our choices, instead of the other way around.  Victims are cynical , often pessimistic, full of doubt and fear. They lack the ability to feel or visualise the benefits of the end results.

However some individuals have a desire burning within them that will get them out of bed every morning, eager and excited for the day. They are ‘Creators’. On the other end of the scale there are others who merely wake up and await to see what life ‘throws’ at them.  These are the ‘Victims’. One mindset works to bring about change and the other hinders.  The difference is that we choose with awareness what is it that we want to believe.

 

These differing belief systems are obvious in our affirmations.  These are messages which, repeated over and over will have a positive or negative effect on our personalities and will ultimately determine our perceived quality of life. We have to become aware of these thought patterns before we can change them and we can help show the impact a specific belief may have.

 

• What have you put off moving in a new direction in your life? 
• What were the reasons?

 

It is important to recognise the circumstances (and patterns of perception) that we view ourselves in.  

 

Some negative affirmations that we can listen for may include:

• I cant because of…….

 

An example of victimization (i.e. before the shift):

Her reactions undermine her personal power and she releases that power onto others by placing blame. She is controlled by external events and becomes judgemental; her perspective narrows; her mind becomes closed; and she is unaware that she has the freedom and power to choose how to respond to any given event.

 

Our mission is to help her:

• Develop keen and accurate self awareness
• Develop an accurate self concept
• Be truthful to herself and tell others the truth
• Make the connections between current choices and future results (consequences)
• Behave in ways that in their best interests
• Become self protective and self determined

 

After the shift:

She will become more self controlled, self directing, and autonomously choose her actions and behaviour. She will step away from the role of victim, become response-able, and empowered. Begin to live consciously and congruently with her chosen purposes and goals.

 

Some powerful questions we can ask may include:

• Under what circumstances do you find yourself existing or distracted or overwhelmed?
• How does this effect your decision making process?
• What are the results?
• What can be learned from these circumstances?

Being a victim is an unconscious reactive way of being that rarely brings about change in an individual.  They are merely achieving the basic needs of existence and believe that they are the victim of their circumstances and external situations.  It renders the belief that they are powerless and do not have control on their lives.

The client will experience feelings of impatience, doubt or unworthiness hindering the receiving of goals.  With this self limiting belief, not a lot changes for the individual – which will only endeavour to ‘uninspire’ and ‘unmotivate’ them further.

 

We will need to be mindful of:

• What thoughts are they are committed to? 
• What do they focus on?

 

When we are no longer paralysed by such powerless thoughts we can become free and full of possibilities.  We can provide the comparisons that occur between operating from ‘creator’ vs ‘victim’ mentalities.

 

 It empowers people to see that they are the creators of their life and not the victim.

Creators accept their power and use it and become responsible for their lives. When you are not being a victim of life, you experience true freedom.  The ego, looking at the world, sees only occasions for struggling and defending, hiding and pretending, attacking or running away.  Looking at other people, it sees but others that do likewise – who behave as a victim and as whose victim it can feel itself.  Looking inward, it sees guilt and fear, anger and confusion   In short: it sees an ego-world – threatening and insecure, and extremely limited.  This clearly means: unless we adopt a new and radically different outlook all efforts at overcoming limitations must fail.

 

We can play a very important role in guiding their perception of situations with more self serving thoughts.

 

• How is focusing on this situation in this way helping you?
• How is living out of your current mentality showing up for you in your life?
• How is focusing on ‘feeling helpless’ or ‘blaming external factors’ serving you?
• Is that what you really want?
• Do you find yourself to be creative and aware of your decision making process & how good does it feel to be tuned into that?
• Are you willing to create?
• How is focusing on creation creating possibilities for you?
• What does living actively mean to you??
• Imagine you are an active participant – how does it feel?
• Pretend you are the creator of this situation – how do you feel?
• What is the best thing that can happen from creating your world?
• What is the worst thing?
• Imagine you are 10 years from now and took no role in creation – what would your life be like?
• What if you took the creator role, what would it look like?
• How would your life look in 5 years if you existed the way you are now?

 

A major technique for a client is for them to listen to their self talk.  An exercise should include awareness of their negative and repetitive thoughts and turn them into positive ones.

 

Other deliberate creative techniques can include:

• Visualisation
• Segmentation (playing out a situation in their minds/heads before it happens each day – e.g. prior to an event they want to go well e.g. presentation or a date).  

 

 

To bring creation into their lives brings power and control to each of their days. They will have the ability to choose how their day unfolds as opposed to letting their day control them.  It will show them that the power of responsibility rests with them and they will no longer blame or react to external events which render the feeling of powerlessness.  The awareness of being the creator empowers the individual and moves them forward into action orientated behaviours.  To be creative is a conscious decision and one that must be made by an individual to bring about change in their lives.  It brings about the desire to not only want something, but to manifest it into their lives.  Most individuals want change in their lives; however there are many who not have the tools to bring about such a change.  The decision to be a victim or be a creator is what ultimately will bring about their desired goals.  To recognise the power of each way of perception may inspire the shift that is necessary for them. Creation is an intention – i.e. make a conscious decision and intend.  It ultimately brings an understanding that they are the ‘master of their own destinies’.  To resist this belief will only bring about ‘excuses as to why they are not making change or taking action steps in their lives.

 

The saying ‘we are where we are by every decision chose we have made’ is a powerful one.  Once we can see the role we make in creating our lives, we can take action to change our lives.  We do create your own reality. Our environment has been and can be determined by the decisions and choices we make.   Individuals with this belief system do not tire of expansion and creation; they are positive people to align ourselves with. These individuals have new ideas of things they would like to experience, possess or know, and it will come into actualisation.  To stand on the brink of what is coming, feeling eager, optimistic anticipation is an optimal creative vantage point.  Creators are often skilled at looking at the bigger picture and seeing a positive end result that brings benefits.  They become aware of more resources available to them in life.

 

To introduce ‘Creation’ vs ‘Victimization’ as a power tool will inspire the client to see the clear differences between what will bring change in their lives through an action thought rather than a reaction.  To offer them the choice in what they want to do, and when to do it, is an act of creation in itself.

 

 Imagination is the beginning of creation.  You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will.’ George Bernard Shaw

 

 

‘Make-A-Wish’ & My Coaching Model

We’re fortunate enough to be entitled to a Volunteer Leave Day from work every year – thus we get the opportunity to do ‘volunteer work’ with a charity.  This year a group of us went and worked at Make-A-Wish.  This organisation enables children with a life threatening illness to have a wish granted.  The kids could wish to be… (e.g. a zookeeper); wish to meet… (e.g. their favorite sportstar); wish to go… (e.g. on a holiday somewhere); wish to have…(e.g. a computer)

It was such an inspirational day for me. I found myself asking people the hypothetical question: ’what would your wish be?’ We all have dreams & desires.  I was looking at the celebrity tshirts that were designed for the organisations and trying to decide which one to buy.  There was a nice white tee with stars with the words ‘wish upon a falling star’ (by a well known Australian designer – Leona Edmiston). Apart from knowing that ’stars’ are fashionable again, something about this top resonated with me.  I thought about my favorite mug that I’ve held onto since a little girl – in small writing are the words ‘Aim for the stars’. 

I’ve always been a daydreamer… And I’m always one to wish upon fallen stars or make wishes when I blow out candles on birthday cakes… But now I realise we can grant our own wishes.  We have that power. I’m excited! I’m not powerless. This has triggered offa  train of ideas for my coaching model and the symbolism of a star – of daring to dream.  Often the biggest barrier between people and their goals is a lack of self-belief & support.  By creating an encouraging, supportive & stimulating environment we can discover for ourselves that we can do anything or have anything that we set our mind to… And it’s not result driven, it’s journey driven – as this personal discovery is what makes the best teacher!

Life is a Game! The Child Within.

I have been reading ‘The New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle which has highlighted how destructive our ‘ego’ can be.  I have have often found myself giving unwarranted importance or significance to situations in my life. I remember years ago being referred to as a ‘Drama Queen’. Deep down I wanted to be someone that ‘didnt sweat the small stuff’; wasn’t a worrier or sensitive (that i thought I inherited from my grandma). I envied others that are sometimes labelled ’ignorant’ or’ditzy’ as they appeared to be carefree and not so analytical and caught up in thoughts!  In the past few months I have managed to master a familiar ’game’ I have played many times before.. Many times I have played it unknowingly and sometimes without appreciating the power of it.  I have become increasingly more aware and I now watch myself closely to see what I address as being ’significant’ in my life.  What creeps in as an issue as a concern? I now ensure that ’significance’ doesn’t slip into my life.  I now see clearly where I have been dramatic in the last few years – it is obvious! I am completely aware of this pattern and I will continue to take the steps to turn it around by playing my game. The most important ‘game’ that I play with myself is ‘Deliberate Creation’.  I will continue to make more time in the day to create a ‘positive visual picture’ for how I want each moment to unfold. By creating a world of well-being will ensure that these ’significant’ issues do not remain signifcant at all!  I have always had a wonderful imagination & as a little girl I loved playing with daydreams and living in ‘fantasy land’.  So this is merely my grown up version of a childhood game.  As soon as I connect with the ‘child-within’ and play with ‘make believe’  my perception of ’significance’ (my mini ’drama’) will fast become become non existant – each and every time!!!

Peer Coaching

I cannot stress enough how valuable my last 8 sesssions have been with my Peer Coach (details below).  He has inspired & empowered me in ways that I never thought possible.  For our final 4 sessions together he is supporting me to quit smoking.  This is something I’ve been trying to achieve for many years.  I expected the coaching process as a forum for me to voice some issues that may have been bothering me with the goal of them becoming ‘non’ issues.  I was hoping the coach would guide me to move forward past these issues. These may have been i) decisions to be made or ii) something that I may have wanted in my life or hoped to change.  Every single issue became a non issue in the space of 1 session.  He made me think about the necessary action that I was prepared and willing to take for the issue to be resolved and then held me accountable for this – by emailing him as soon as I had undertaken action. My coach is tremendously supportive and skilled in guiding me.  With his assistance I moved through many issues with clarity.  He has asked timely and appropriate questions that were necessary in empowering me & moving me forward.  He was very well-educated and experienced in ‘The Law of Attraction’ & the underlying principles which were a pre requisite for my learning & development & the way I wanted to be coached & to coach.  He was able to refer books when I was away on holiday.  And he was very warm and engaging & I felt a genuine rapport with him.  I also found that he was uncanny in asking all the right questions that enabled me to find my own answers. He held me accountable by asking me to follow up with emails and truly empowered me to make some bold changes.   Up until now the highlight has been when he assisted me to make a ‘holiday’ decision within half an hour, which I had been deliberating for weeks over.  I was booked on a plane within 24 hours for a trip in merely 2 weeks time. He guided me through my uncertainties, that were mainly fear and unnecessary obstacles that were stopping me from taking a well needed break.  Another highlight related to moving house/home twice during our coaching sessions.  This was a coaching moment based on the principles of ‘The Law of Attraction’.  The first move was into a place that I had previously visualized (and voiced to the coach beforehand) – yet I wasn’t specific at all about visualizing the bedroom. Only being in this new setting for 2 months I was very disheartened when it was time to move again, however the coach made me realize that the bedroom was far from ideal & something that I wouldn’t have manifested – therefore this was not my ideal home.  I am very happy to say that my second (and current) place is exactly what I wanted & manifested– bedroom and all!!  Waiman is a naturally gifted coach.

Waiman Yau
Inner Guru – Coaching Conscious Evolution
www.blog.innerguru.co.uk (blog)
www.innerguru.co.uk (website)

Truth Telling – Our Thoughts

What is the truth? Your truth & my truth could be completely different. Opinions, judgement calls, perspective….  I pick up all the data & facts to support my truth & ignore everything else… It works..

I will always focus on stuff going on to support the way I feel.  We must always focus or look for the data that supports our lives ONLY in a positive way! Ignore all the negative stuff . I truly believe that if we ignore this, it will ALWAYS go away.

We create our lives through our thoughts.  Therefore we can determine our own truth – if it’s good for us.. then why the hell not?

UACs

Underlying Automatic Commitments can be positive or negative thoughts about ourselves. They can be fears that we are committed to or self serving beliefs.  Because I am of the mindset that ‘what we think about we bring about’ through the law of attraction, this coaching term (UAC) is testament of how we truly can bring about change in our lives.

We need to reframe any negative beliefs  that have been ingrained within us and prevent us from happiness.

I can honestly see how all of my limiting UACs have brought about all all negative outcomes in my life- demise of relationships etc.  My aim right now is for my coach to turn all the negative thoughts into positive ones – make new UACs…  Sounds simple doesnt it!?

Regaining Confidence

As a coach we do require a level of confidence in our abilities.  I have never doubted my ability to help others seek clarity through their haze.  Yet my biggest obstacle is always managing to do it for myself.  I am excited that I start with my own peer coach next week & that my first coaching class of 2008 is in the next hour – and it’s ‘creating confidence’..

I am trying to be positive and regain my self esteem after a relationship meltdown over the New Years period.  I would like to look back at this period with pride on how I have dealt with it and moved forward.  It will be an extremely testing time for me, as so many negative thoughts have managed to weasel their way in.

Goal Setting

Sounds simple doesnt it – goal setting…

I think the main thing I have learnt is that the goals I have tried to set in my life so far have often revolved around what I SHOULD do or what I have felt I NEED/ed to do.. as opposed to what I WANT/ed to do. I have been thinking alot about what I value most. Value driven goals are easier to achieve as they are aligned to what we really want in our lives & what truly will make us happy.

I value ‘love’ or ‘loving relationships’! I have always valued relationships and people close to me more than anything in the world. If I feel supported and appreciated then I smile and feel fulfilled. So this continues to be my goal. When I am unhappy its because I dont feel as though I have this in my life. It has made me realise that if I set goals to achieve this, it will enrich my life….I must keep this in the forefront of my mind.. so I am going to give myself reminders by writing it down so i can see this goal in strategic places. I am going to steer clear of goal hikackers – i.e. not allow myself in relationships that clearly prevent me from feeling loved (cull a few draining friends or people that dont deserve my energy)…

I have identified a few blocks/obstacles that stand in the way…. Now that I have recognised them, I am more aware of the hinderance they are at reaching success. I have rallied a few trusted supportive people (my mum & sister & a few close friends) to keep me on track.

My request – please send some positive energies and vibrations my way. The more thoughts towards my manifestation of having & feeling the love – the better! So greatly appreciated.