Deal or No Deal?

Knowing what you DONT want is just as important as knowing what you DO want.

Do you have clarity on what you want & don’t want from/with people? Do you give people too many chances? When is enough enough? When is one chance enough – ie. a deal breaker?

A critical key to happiness & development in life is to have & to honor your personal boundaries. Simply said, a boundary is an imaginary line over which people, problems, & life may not cross, because you’ve said so.  It’s our job to recognise when others overstep our boundaries. You will find that as you extend your boundaries, you have fewer problems, less stress, & more space. We need to plan ahead for actions that we will take when our boundaries become violated. Some may in fact be ‘deal breakers.’

What are your ‘deal breakers’?  The Urban Dictionary defines a deal breaker as ‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook & ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess.’ Everyone has their own personal collection.  Some people waiver on them or let them slide. Most of my deal breakers come from experience.  Here is an example of a personal ‘dating deal breaker’ : I was once (even twice) told from a couple of long term ‘best friends’ of the guy I was dating that his character was questionable (& to be careful). At the time, I made excuses for the remarks, but I learnt the hard way down the track. Thus, this has now become a ‘dating deal breaker’ (if the close friends  of my ‘date’ WARN me in anyway- I am out of there!) Friendships, dating, long term partners, working relationships, share households etc etc – are all subject to deal breakers & violated boundaries.

I have been guilty of not honoring my own deal breakers in the past… & NOTE: they have ALWAYS come back to bite me on the bum. Most boundaries should be communicated clearly…. yet there are also the ones that are ‘unspoken universal law’  (e.g. thou shalt not ‘cheat’, ‘lie’ or ‘steal’ etc). Recently I have come up against a deal breaker…..& (in respect not to ‘out’ him or her) I have remained silent on the matter (yet taken action). I merely view it as an opportunity to move forward with the lesson as my own (i.e. a reminder of what I DONT want).  I believe that creating boundaries is not about convincing someone else to behave in a way that I THINK THEY SHOULD. It is about ME behaving the way I want my life to go.

It’s important to respect yourself & to be respected.  Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.  It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves – to protect ourselves when it’s necessary.  We have the right & the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. Boundaries define who we are. They establish ‘what is me’  & ‘what isn’t me.’

How many of us have never known the ‘rules’ of our personal well-being, & how NOT to allow life and others to intrude, steal or damage our personal power? How many of us have never known how to respect other people’s boundaries & simply thought we were ‘doing the right thing’?

By having a healthy, functioning boundary we know when to open the door to good & when to close the door to bad.

Questions to ask yourself:

• What are the boundaries/deal breakers that are important for you to establish right now?
• Who is currently violating these?
• What will be the most effective action you can take to establish the boundary with this person? When will you take it?
• Do you need support with developing your own strong personal boundaries?

‘In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current.’ ~ Thomas Jefferson

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