Garden of Eden

What is your ‘forbidden fruit’?

Temptation..

• something that seduces or has the quality to seduce
• the desire to have or do something that you know you should avoid

You know the drill –  there is something that you ‘should’ be avoiding BUT it only makes you want it moreso? Just like Eve, I have my weaknesses. For me, having to sacrifice, go without or ‘give up something’ (that I know will bring me some pleasure) merely intensifies my appetite for it. Ever since the Garden of Eden, people have faced temptation. For Adam and Eve, it was the forbidden fruit. For us it could be drugs (smoking), alcohol, sex, chocolate (bad food in general), gambling etc .

If you give in, you might be happy for a few minutes, or even a few days, but in the end there are consequences. The guilt starts to set in. So does the regret.  However, if you are like me then you can manage regret – with rationalisations! I am the master of excusing my own behaviour.  An example could be i) the relationship that I know is WRONG for me but I’m attracted to like a moth to a flame – I can hear the inner voice saying ‘maybe he isn’t so WRONG for me… I should really give it a chance!’

Are you aware of the constant internal debate that goes on between your head (rationalisations) & gut instinct? I believe that our greatest ‘testing’ moment is when we walk though our own private ‘Garden of Edens’. I am aware that I’m walking through it right now! I am lured…. I can hear the debate: ‘to do or not to do?’ I may need to put stuctures in place to resist temptation at this very moment. (Just like when I was 16 & I asked my boyfriend for support. I granted him the permission to do ‘anything it took’ to refrain me from buying too many cheeseburgers, especially whenever I was trying to ‘rationalise’ giving in to this temptation. God love him ….as I have a vivid memory of being physically thrown over his shoulder & being carried out of McDonalds as I threatened him that our relationship was over if he didnt put me down & let me buy that extra cheeseburger! ) Desperation is never pretty.

My advice: Be aware of your forbidden fruits. Listen out for the debate that is going on between your gut instinct & your head. Trust in your gut. Reframe your perspective – instead of ‘sacrificing’ something, focus on what you will be gaining! Set up support structures in case of relapse…. Long term solution: explore the underlying reasons behind the desire & then create healthier ways to fill that void.

‘Lead us not into temptation..’

GOOGLE points the finger…

Internet Dating:  There are success stories.  There are horror stories.  This is neither.

I’m not a fan of TV.  However, I’ve always been a massive supporter of the internet. I absolutely love the world wide web & it’s endless supply of information. I surf, I social network & (when single) I’ve scanned the odd ‘dating’ site. Even in the early days when ‘internet dating’ was considered only for the socially retarded, I was intrigued by the concept. I figured that if I was online doing my food shopping (Note to self: why on earth did I stop doing that?), seeking employment or checking out real estate, then why not ‘window shop’ for a potential beau? I’ve always considered myself a pretty open minded girl & rarely ‘diss’ anything that I haven’t tried first hand (within reason). Are you liking my disclaimer so far? Anyway, this is actually not a story about internet dating per se, but it does play a role in this post.

Online, Mr Looking4Luv (not his actual profile name) ticked most of the boxes for me. We not only shared similar interests etc but the photo struck a chord.  I was instantly attracted. Although the facial features were vague (obscured by sunglasses), it was moreso the general ‘vibe’ of the photo. Something indefinable about his body language, his style (the vintage rock tee), his presence… . It displayed an effortless chic of ‘coolness’ – the X factor. It resonated with me. Cutting through the small talk via email & SMS, we organised to meet up. I had only been on a few blind dates before, so I had that nervous/excitement in the lead up to the date. To share the nerves/excitement, I decided to email his photo to a few close friends. Ok..to be brutally honest, I was gloating because this guy was a definite catch!!  My work friends were quick to respond…..’Ummmm Donna, that looks an awful lot like Sam Worthington.’  I could see the similarity. I highly rated his recent movie ~ Avatar, I loved it… but I admit my face recognition for celebrities (out of context) isn’t that great.  Again, another response to my gloating, ‘Ummmmmmm Donna, I’m pretty sure that IS Sam Worthington’.  ’Surely not’, I shrugged off doubt for a little while. In hindsight, unfortunately for Mr Looking4Luv, but fortunately for me, I ended up by finding the exact photo living under GOOGLE images. Fake profiles are a deception &  forbidden amongst ‘Internet Dating’ communities.  They are reportable.

Moral of the Story # 1 ~ Be true to yourself ALWAYS.  There is a difference between privacy & dishonesty. ’Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.’~ Dr. Seuss

I often receive comments about my blog. Recently there was an unexpected comment from the disgruntled Mr Looking4Luv.  I assume he GOOGLED my name & found my site.  His feedback: ‘You destroyed my life. You are a dibber dobber!’  A little unsettled, I promptly navigated my way back onto the dating site to find that his profile was no longer ‘active’ (i.e. removed from the site). My theory – he’d drawn the conclusion that I reported him.

Moral of the Story # 2 ~ Be accountable for your actions (or inaction). ’When you blame others, you give up your power to change’.

It’s unfortunate that Mr Looking4Luv wont be moving forward if he continues to  i) struggle with being true to himself &/or  ii) blame others for his circumstances. I do wish him well in his search & I hope he can see that dating & relationships (at the very least) can provide opportunities to gain insight into oneself.

As for me….Well, my days of ‘looking for love’ online are well & truly over!

Smile because it happened…

” A moment lasts all of a second, but the memory lives on forever.“

On this very day last year I hopped on a plane embarking on a ‘paradise’ holiday. I had travelled to Thailand before & I know I will go again ..BUT this trip was ‘DIFFERENT’.  Many special moments were shared on a tour with some of my closest friends. It was truly a trip of a lifetime ….organised through ‘Everybody Events’.

I’m writing this with mixed emotions as the annual trip/tour is less than a week away. (Not too late for those who want to jump aboard – website below). Yes, I have mixed emotions because  I want to rewind time, I want to ‘relive’ all those cherished memories! In fact, a few of the 2009 crew are doing it AGAIN.  I can only hope that they are returning on this tour with the agenda to create NEW memories.

I say that I’m having ‘mixed emotions’ because as much as I would love to ‘relive’ Thai Times like last year,  I do know how disappointing it is to try & recreate an experience. IMPOSSIBLE!

If you had one chance to relive a memory for just 30 minutes what would it be?

It’s ironic that I also loved the book/movie  ’The Beach’ (not only is it set in Thailand, but the moral of the story is that ‘Paradise’ is in fact a ‘moment’ in time – NOT a destination).

I smile when I think about that trip – a new romance, great friends & many good times were had. There is absolutely no danger in taking my mind back there & wanting to have a ‘similar experience’ again. Yet it’s unhealthy to hope to recreate that moment. The very motivation centering on the concept of re-experiencing that wonderful moment in time is more often destined for failure.  Failure hurts.

As the main character in The Beach says ‘My name is Richard. So what else do you need to know? Stuff about my family, or where I’m from? None of that matters. Not once you cross the ocean and cut yourself loose, looking for something more beautiful, something more exciting’.

Please note: there can be disappointment when it comes to expectations & searching for something MORE exciting….

‘And me, I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know it’s not some place you can look for, ’cause it’s not where you go. It’s how you feel for a moment in your life when you’re a part of something, and if you find that moment… it lasts forever…’

I think everyone remembers a ‘perfect’ holiday moment.  Problems come when we make one perfect moment the measure of every moment that follows.  There are so many factors involved in a magical experience that it is impossible to make it happen again.  We can cherish their memory, we can talk about them with family and friends, but we can’t re-create it.  Embrace the moment you have.  Talk about memories, don’t try to re-create them.  You will be happier, and everyone will be happier with you.  As I watch the facebook updates with countdowns to the trip etc., there is no envy whatsoever & definitely no fear of ‘missing out’ – because it was a ONCE in a lifetime trip & I cherish those moments & SMILE.

I’m ready to create NEW ones….. Did I hear you say Bali 2011?  Countdown:  385 days

DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR :  www.everybodyevents.com

The credibility of Life Coaching!

I was socializing at a wedding recently when a few loaded questions were thrown my way about ‘Life Coaching’. It was in this moment that I realized the stigma that surrounded what I do…. by uninformed people.  My inquisitive friend’s body language & tone completely changed towards me when I squashed a few misconceptions about being a ‘Coach’.

A Life Coach DOES NOT portray them self as an expert in your life. I’m unsure as to how people have conjured up this image. Media maybe? Does this misconception come from getting them confused with mentors or consultants?  Or maybe they hear the term ‘coach’ and automatically think of the term ‘basketball or a football coach’ – This kind of coach will guide their players & set up strategies on how to play the game.  Life Coaches however are guided by the ‘players’ ONLY & will ask questions that will bring others closer to knowing who they are and what matters to them. They DO NOT claim to be someone that they are not. A good Coach is a good listener. It’s amazing how a bit of reflection propels others to further action. Essentially, a Coach asks the right questions at the right time – without criticism – to trigger thinking processes.

An element of surprise was evident when I spoke about my life experience and qualifications.  Merely a Coaching credential (in isolation) is often viewed as a sub standard qualification. A common urban myth is that you can attain it over a weekend! The International Coach Federation has developed a set of professional and ethical standards for coaches, and it subscribes to a rigorous accreditation process. Despite my life experience (that includes counseling), there is always an unspoken level of respect that is given the minute my ‘other qualifications’ are spoken about.  Marketing & Psychology are somewhat perceived as ‘cooler’ (more respected) areas of study, than Life Coaching.  I am also aware that many education providers & their qualifications will never be able to reach the same level of credibility as universities & Bachelor Degrees. But individuals should not assume that a Coach doesn’t possess other ‘credentials’ & skills that are (in my opinion) alot more valuable than a piece of paper.

Unfortunately, the moral of the story is that the stigma and judgment associated with ‘Life Coaching’ may hinder some people from exploring that road as an option for themselves. I believe that many uninformed people will definitely ‘cut their nose off despite their face’ with the perception that Life Coaching isn’t a ‘cool’ or ‘credible’ option in helping them achieve their goals.  A positive angle about this stigma is that because there are still many people out there that hold doubts surrounding Life Coaching’s viability & it’s benefits, such low expectations will bring a pleasant surprise factor when they encounter a growing number of people around them who become walking success stories!!

Short term gain often equals long term pain!

Many people seek out ‘instant gratification’ in life – or commonly known as a ‘quick fix’.  A perfect analogy for this psychological journey that produces longer term negative consequences is smoking. Smokers often feel anxious whilst they anticipate the relief of their next cigarette. People can be fearful when they run out of cigarettes, or in non smoking situations & would almost smoke any brand purely to relieve them from the anxiety. The sensation of  ’relief’ and the anticipation build up is an intense association. This experience can be an unbelievable ‘high for a smoker & the core of the addiction for many people.

Many individuals became accustomed to a ‘nervous energy and anxiety period’ followed by a ‘high’ as they get used to the ‘quick relief’ association in relationships.  This addictive relationship type can be nicknamed the ‘ROLLER COASTER’ – which experiences very similar stages – repeated over & over again.  Such relationships (like cigarettes) should come with warning labels too!! A relationship that fuels fear & anxiety over & over again IS NOT a healthy one .

I quit smoking & unhealthy relationships (pretty much) at the same time. I accepted that my process of instant gratification & the ‘quick fix’ weren’t producing positive results for me. It only made me feel as though I wasn’t capable of  anything that acquired ‘effort’…. as I had previously RELIED so heavily on the ‘quick fix’ to motivate me… But it actually wasn’t motivating me to move into a positive empowering direction (forward). I like the saying – short term gain (the relief of instant gratification) equals long term pain (‘going in circles’ producing the same disempowering results for myself). One day I recognised the analogy that smoking shared with other areas of my life.

The thought of investing into oneself can appear daunting & energy draining. To take ‘action’ was perceived as way too much ‘effort’ , especially when we question our capabilities. ‘It’s too hard’ ‘I cant do it’…. Our self doubt is the major obstacle… But often there isn’t the realization that we are ALREADY putting energy & effort into things automatically. Unfortunately, some situations we focus on now (which is most likely draining you of mental energy already) is producing NEGATIVE results. Your effort/focus is primarily going into ‘holding onto’ a BAD situation. Often this takes a lot more energy and action than moving forward. Once I made the decision to face my fears (& started investing into believing in myself) I realized that it was a perceived ‘short term pain’ that equals long term gain.

My advice – be dubious about the ‘quick fix’ & the reasons why you seek it out? Maybe it’s because you have an association and reliance that it’s an effortless solution.  The investment into seeking out a quick fix might be better put into breaking that association.